This blog is selfish. I’ll admit it though; it’s my blog, after all, and it’s about me and my life, so why shouldn’t it be a little bit selfish? It’s fine if you judge me for that. I don’t mind. I’m gonna write one today that’s personal and selfish, and I’m doing it in the hopes that it helps me to feel a little better.
As I type this, my Rhapsody player in the other window has creepily chosen to play the song Ordinary World, by Duran Duran. If you know this song, you know it’s about loss and the will to move on, and that’s pretty much how I feel. Call me sentimental or just plain mental, but I have occasional emotions. Tomorrow I’ll rebuild all my personal walls and manly indifference and revert to my Spock-like robotic state, but today I just want to feel.
You see, today the last of my best friends is leaving me. Well, they aren’t leaving me per se, they’ve left their old lives behind and moved on to greener pastures, but I kinda feel like the lost puppy who was found by wonderful people and loved for a minute, only to be left at the shelter. See? I told you this blog would be selfish. I’m staring into an uncertain future and floundering in a sea and all my support is gone.
No, that’s a stupid way of looking at it, and I’m not very good at being selfish. I tried, and I do feel a little bit left behind, but I can’t in reality feel anything but happiness for my friends who have moved on and found purpose in their lives.
When I moved here four years ago, I packed up and left all of my friends and my family behind. I’ve moved out of my friends lives on more than one occasion actually, so I suppose it’s just my turn to get a little payback. Now I know how it feels, I suppose. Coming here, I didn’t know anyone in Salt Lake at all, and my job then had me traveling all over the country for weeks at a time, so making new friends was a daunting prospect at best. Still, almost immediately I met someone who, despite more than a decade’s difference in age, as well as completely different perspectives on most everything, befriended me without question. She’s one of the only people I know who simply accepts me for what I am. The very first time I met her, our discussion ran a huge range of topics, with nothing taboo at all. So refreshing to have someone like that. Everyone should have a friend who simply is your friend, without any requirements or pressures. Despite whatever differences you may have, you simply click.
Shortly after that I met another amazing person who I had the great pleasure of developing a wonderful romantic relationship with, a relationship which ended not in mistrust and bad feelings, as these things usually do, but evolved into an immensely strong friendship based on respect and admiration. We too are fairly far apart in age and even farther apart in beliefs and experiences, but none of that matters. I’m very proud to count both of these people among my very best friends, and I love them both without condition or reservation. So there.
As is life, things change, and I’m very proud that both of them have found their places and directions in life, and are off to live it. That alone makes me very happy. Plus, we’re in the 21st century, aren’t we? I mean, when you count all the Internets and the Facebooks and text messages and whatnot, it’s not like your friends are more than a couple of nanoseconds away anyway, regardless of where they may physically be. Technology has made long-distance friendships easy, and although they may be different, they are quite doable. No worries there.
So why do I only have two friends? Well, that’s not really accurate. I have quite a few friends here in Utah actually, but these two were my best friends. My “hang-out-with-able” best friends, the ones I went to when I needed the kind of friendship that’s beyond familiar acquaintance. The people whom I felt comfortable sharing my thoughts and secrets with, and the people who I knew I could count on to be honest and forthcoming. The people I trusted and cared about. We all have lots of friends, but there are different kinds of friends. These two are the best kind. I no longer have any friends like this in Utah, and I guess that’s why I’m sad.
So yeah, I selfishly feel a little bit lost now. One of my best friends is happily newly married and living far away in boring “look, more sagebrush!” Idaho. The other is going to law school in far away “look, it’s raining again!” Oregon. Both of them are ecstatic and excited, and both of them deserve their new lives and their new opportunities. I wish them both the best, and I hope we can still be close in whatever way we can. I smile after them brightly and knowingly.
So now what? Well, they have new beginnings, and so must I. Living like a hermit doesn’t suit me, for instance, so I resolve to get out and meet people and make new friends. I definitely need an image makeover, so that will be a good start. A change of scenery is probable too, although not quite yet. I need to break out of this shell and get out of this funk and stop feeling sorry for myself. It’s a chance to start again, and I hope I can take it. I won’t cry for yesterday. There’s an ordinary world… somehow I have to find.
Here’s to new beginnings… for all of us.