Damn Ugly
By sovknight | June 20, 2008
I was looking in a mirror today. Normally, I have to avoid mirrors because my reflection usually gets this horrified look when it sees me, but today I had no choice.
I was getting a haircut at the Barber School around the corner from my apartment. I’m very happy with this place for a couple of reasons, namely the haircuts are only $5, and the students there are so fearful of screwing up your hair that they take lots of extra time to do a good job. Today was no exception, and the finished product was very pleasing to me. At any rate, I was looking in the mirror because I was sitting in the barber’s chair whilst trying to explain, in guy’s terms, how I wanted my hair. “Un-poofy” is what I typically declare, but sometimes it draws blank stares. Luckily, the teacher lady was around and very instrumental to the process of describing my cut to the student.
[Side note:] In Utah, there’s one hairstyle for men: Short on top, blended into shaved sides, no bangs. Very popular because a majority of men in Utah are Mormon and that’s how Mormons wear their hair. It’s either because they’re young and impressionable missionaries, or because they used to be missionaries, or because they want to be missionaries. They simply keep the same style all their lives.
I am decidedly un-missionary. My hair is pretty long and floppy, and does not conform in any way, shape, or form to local styling rules. I shall term it the Red Disaster, and I mention this because local barbers have NO CLUE whatsoever how to cut it. I may have well beamed down from the Big Red Mothership, because they simply cannot fathom longer hair on a guy. Therefore, much explanation is needed on how to tame the Red Disaster.
Where was I? Oh yeah, the mirror. So I was getting my hair cut, and I was forced to look directly at my reflection for many minutes. I realized a couple of things right there and then. Namely, that I am pretty damn ugly, and that I know exactly why.
My face used to have a chiseled appearance. Kind of a square jaw, high cheeks, and an oval shape. Now it’s just round. Big, fat, and round. I’ve got two chins too, whereas there used to be one sharp one. This has the effect of making my eyes look beady and evil, and combined with my previously poofy hair, I looked like a fat Conan O’Brian. If that weren’t enough, the most stand-out feature to me, at least in the barber shop lighting, was my scar.
I have this scar which is centered right between my eyes at the brow level. It sits right at the top of my nose, and to many it would appear to be a wrinkle. It’s not a wrinkle however, and I know this because it is the product of three things:
1. Another person who desired to sit where I was sitting.
2. An alley full of sharp pebbles and broken glass.
3. My face.
No, this wasn’t a fight, although it could have been. I’m told that after getting up I took a swing at the guy who pushed me that would have decapitated him if it would have landed, however at that point my entire head was gushing blood like Niagara Falls and I was whisked to the nurse’s station at school. By the way, all of this took place about 7th grade-ish, so it’s been a while back.
So here I am today with the scar(s) to prove it, and one of them happens to be right between my eyes. I’ve always wondered why everyone pegs me as looking mad or pissed off all the time, and today I came to the conclusion that my scar, in certain lighting, makes it look like my eyebrows go all the way across my face. It gives a mean look, coupled with my new beady eyes, and it does indeed make me look mad. I never understood it before, but it kinda makes sense now.
I can’t do much about the scar. It’s been a part of my life for many years, and I figure it will always be there. The fat thing I can control though. I’ve been depressed lately because of my giant man-gut, which is slowly but surely expanding my waistline, but I didn’t stop to notice how much my face has changed. It’s truly horrifying, and it must be stopped. I don’t wish to be the Bad, the Bad, AND the Ugly.
Topics: Thoughts |
4 Responses to “Damn Ugly”
Comments
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June 20th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
You know, most guys are just straight up ugly. Even lots of guys girls consider “hot”. If you look at them, they’ve got some fucking STRANGE faces.
It’s all about perception, though. If you’re feeling depressed, and look at yourself, you’re going to see the ugly ape you are. If you’re feeling pretty good about yourself, though, and are in one of those rare places where you can objectively and confidently look in the mirror, you’ll see what girls can see, which is that really you’re just an average lookin dude, who is either confident and attractive or unsure and just kind of blends in.
When it comes to fat, the great thing is you can do something about it. You don’t even have to be supermodel thin. You’re a dude. Just don’t let yourself get obese.
Bens last blog post..I’m a father!
June 21st, 2008 at 8:59 am
I know how you feel. My gut may start drawing objects into orbit soon. The whole chubby face and double chin thing can sure sneak up on you though.
Trovans last blog post..Spore Creations
June 21st, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I love your drawing, it does resemble you a little, in a cartoonish way. But I don’t think you look fat. I think you look like a muscularly build guy who has a little extra padding on top of the lean mass underneath, and that’s different than looking like Jared pre-Subway, you know what I mean. A lot of girls actually find that pretty attractive.
Ben up there is right; attractiveness is more a matter of your inner confidence or lack thereof coming out to greet the world. When I’m feeling ugly, I try maybe buying a new outfit that looks really good on me, so that I feel like I look good. Or maybe I get a haircut, and that usually makes me feel better unless it’s the Great Hair Debacle of 2007. That made me feel pretty fugly for about 8 months.
Ok, so for your hair, if I wanted to make it less poofy, I’d ask for it to be thinned out and textured. To do that, stylists usually take a razor or thinning scissors and cut the hair unevenly, so it’s got shorter and longer pieces in the same section. It doesn’t change the overall length appearance, but just thins out the mass and looks textured and funky. I like it. Also, there are salons that know how to cut non-mormon hair, but you have to be willing to pay $25-50 for a man’s cut. Stylists at more expensive salons know what they’re doing though, and the more trixy your hair is, the more it makes sense to spend that much on a cut. I used to go to supercuts, and one day I tried a more expensive salon on a whim and the result was so much nicer that I figured the extra money was worth it. And since I only cut my hair every few months, it’s not that big of a deal.
Missed you at drunken movie night last night. We’ll have another before Whit moves to Hawaii, and I’ll let you know when that is.
Sras last blog post..Obama for the people; by the people
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:23 am
Oh, Redhead - you’re not fat! I’m with Sra - you’re like a Hostess Snowball (now, follow me here) - a little fluffy outside, but rock-hard underneath. If you were also covered with fauxconut, this analogy would be flawless.
At any rate, you are not (and have never been) Redhead The Hutt. And, regardless of what you do with your hair, spend the extra dough up front. It’s like buying a roof…buying the nicer stuff from a reputable crew means less maintenance in the long run, which is ultimately more affordable and less stressful.
See what I did there? Hair? Roof?
I have to stop drinking while I’m writing these.
At any rate, you rock, Redhead! It’s all about confidence, and you’ve always had that in spades, at least intellectually. Just invest that energy you were depositing at The Bank of Self-Loathing into some long-term Self-Worth Bonds instead, and you’ll see some positive returns in no time!
Vidal Sassoon said it best: If you don’t look good, perhaps you should visit my salon, because I feel as though I have a personal connection with you, anonymous consumer.
Or something like that.
Claires last blog post..The Unexpected - Or, an Open Apology to the Patrons of La Fiesta