Getting Through
By sovknight | June 19, 2008
I’m depressed. Actually today is better, but lately it’s been kinda bad. My hopes haven’t been looking up lately.
I haven’t left my apartment for two days. I mean I literally haven’t even opened the door or checked the mail. I’ve been moping around doing nothing. Arguing religion on an Internet forum, or writing, or doing a lot of reading. Sleeping a lot. Just wasting time really. Not accomplishing anything.
It’s not that I don’t have anything to do. On the contrary, I have several things that need to get done. I’m building a web site for a convention this Fall that was supposed to go live a week and a half ago. Honestly, it could go live right now, but there are a couple of elements that aren’t finished yet. Every time I start working on it, I hate everything about it and I can’t work. It disgusts me to even look at it.
I really need to go out and pound the pavement for a job, but I’m so depressed about it that I just keep putting it off. I sold my soul for half my life working to make other people rich. When is my turn? Getting a stupid job would stick me right back into the rut in which I spun my wheels for 20 years. How is that progress? I don’t want to be a statistic: I want to be an individual who is happy doing something that makes sense to me and making a little money for it. Is that really too much to ask?
I don’t even want to talk about my social life. Or I should say, my lack of a social life. Not leaving my apartment guarantees not meeting people, but then I haven’t had much luck with that over the last couple of years anyway. Salt Lake City is full of people living their happy little lives all around me, and I’m standing in the center being ignored. That’s my perspective anyway.
I should be out working off this fat I’ve accumulated in recent months. Should be out doing something physical. Why bother though? Where to go? I’ve seen it all already. I would just get in the car and drive mindlessly for two hours and come home anyway, not accomplishing anything except burning overpriced gasoline. I’ve done it enough times to know. Plus, it’s hot outside.
My whole life has pretty much stalled. At the moment, I don’t see a way past it. Maybe something will come up though. Something always does.
I feel better just having typed this. Maybe I’ll get through.
Topics: Thoughts |
3 Responses to “Getting Through”
Comments
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June 19th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Sorry you are sad! Have you looked into selling some of your pictures to the companies that make postcards…or anything like that?
June 19th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Try to look at a job like this: it’s not your end, it’s just something you need right now to help bridge you over to your end. And by end, I don’t mean death. I mean whatever it is that you really want to do. But in order to get there, you need to subsist somehow.
The point is, you don’t need to look at your new job as another 10 year commitment of your life. It could only last you a couple months until you get something better — something more along the lines of your actual life goals. It’s why many servers in LA say that their profession is actor. They see their waiting/coffee shop job as something to pay the bills, but that’s not who they are, it doesn’t define them.
So call yourself a photographer, or an artist, or whatever, get yourself a part time gig at Starbucks so you can have health insurance, and use the rest of the time to look for something else you want to do, whether that ends up being a job for someone else, or whether you end up getting your own business off the ground. But it’s not realistic to think you might get it off the ground without any income.
One day at a time, my friend. Life is the journey.
Sras last blog post..Dear Paradise Bakery,
June 21st, 2008 at 10:37 am
UPS is hiring. Benefits from 60 days as part-time employee. Not amazing pay or anything, but it is pay. It would also get you the exercise you are always saying you need to start doing.