My bestest friend Sra recently gave me a CD with some pictures she’s taken over the last couple of years at various outdoorsy things we’ve done. This particular picture struck me hard as I looked at it though, because it completely tells the tale of why I’m dieting to lose the GIANT gut I’ve acquired.

This shot was taken a while ago when we were up on Antelope Island, which juts out into the Great (WTF is that smell?) Salt Lake. I was at my most massive then, at around 210. As you can see, it’s horrifying. I didn’t have a clue myself until I saw this picture.

At first, I thought that perhaps the wind had gotten up into my shirt and puffed it out. It was a pretty windy day, after all. However, upon closer inspection, my arms are actually pinned up to my sides as I hold the rock in anticipation of some serious (albeit unsuccessful) skippage on the water in the background. So I guess I can’t use that excuse. Also note the roundness of the face and the plump cheeks. Frightening! There is a little wind puffage in the shirt, but 99% of that bulk is pure me. Sad, I know.

Many of my readers are looking at this picture going, “well, that’s just some normal fat guy on a beach.” However, my friends back home and those who have known me in the past are saying, “DAAYYYYYYYYUUM!” I know, I know. It’s pretty bad.

The real kicker came to me a month or so ago during the Bountiful parade up north. I volunteer some of my time as a cadet in the 501^st Legion as a spotter and photographer. The 501^st is a charity costuming organization based on Star Wars characters, and the costumes they wear really draw crowds and put smiles on the faces of many people, and help raise a good deal of money to boot. Typically, I’ll shoot some video during parades to use later in PR and DVD presentations to promote the group, but this time I turned the video camera over to my friend while I took stills. She did a spectacular job too, much better than I normally do, but upon watching the video when I got home I’d notice that on occasion a huge, blobby creature would lumber into frame during the walk at various times. I had to wrack my brain for a second, thinking, when did we get a Jabba the Hutt costume? Until I realized it was me! AAAAHHH! I made up my mind that very day to change.

So far it’s working. I’m down to 198lbs and lost an inch or two in circumference. I can see some definition starting to creep back into the layers of fat, and I feel healthier than I have in years. Just gotta keep it going.  I will be again be a sexy beast!  I just need to buckle down.

No more Humongosaurus!

Dear Me, in the year 1990:

How’s it going? Actually, I already know, but it’s polite to ask. I’m writing you from the future to let you in on a few things.

You’re probably asking, how do you know I’m you for sure? Well, remember that magazine we had hidden in a gopher hole in the woods across the road from the house? Right by the tree we fell out of? Yeah… now you know I’m telling the truth. No one else in the whole world knows about that.

I’m writing you to tell you that next week, on the 25th to be exact, we will be starting our 36th trip around the sun. That’s right, thirty-six years. I’m writing you now because you are about to turn 18, which is a milestone in itself. I know you just graduated from high school, and what you really want to do is take some time off from academics and just get a job for the summer, so enlighten me for a moment. And eighteen years… they came up on you fast, didn’t they? Believe me, the next eighteen years are gonna fly by even faster. I should know.

So let’s see. What’s going on in the world in your time? If I remember correctly, a president named Bush engaged the American people in a war with a country called Iraq. There was lots of bickering about oil, and gas prices were soaring out of control. Well, rest assured that in the future, everything is quite diff…

Er…

Ent…

Ah, forget that. I don’t want to bore you with politics. You’ll find out anyway. What I want to do is let you in on a few things so as to be prepared for what’s to come. You see, we’ve made one or two mistakes in the past 18 years, and as a bigger and wiser version of you, I’m giving you the responsibility of fixing them. This letter is bound to be extremely long, but bear with me — there’s a lot of stuff to cover. Oh, there is one thing that I want you to remember though, if you take nothing else out of this. A word: GOOGLE. Remember that word.

First, keep going with the workouts. I know you’ve put almost thirty pounds on your scrawny ass in just the last year alone. That ought to tell you how skinny and under-trained you were to begin with. And you wonder why kids picked on you all throughout school? Well, let me tell you, that body you’re building now will become a fine machine. You’ll add another forty pounds on top of what you’ve already done, all pure muscle. At one point, in your mid-twenties, you’ll look so good that you’ll consider entering a contest! Sadly, you wussed out, but the body and the knowledge used to gain it will benefit you for the rest of your life. You won’t ever be picked on again, and one day a group of guys will put that to a test…

Please though… for the love of God; don’t let it start sliding downhill around age 30 or so. This excess flab and this beer gut I have to carry around are both embarrassing and annoying. If you could help me out with that, I’d be most appreciative.

Don’t worry too much about money, although think about it a lot. That frugal attitude you inherited will serve you quite well. (It will be even better if you remember that word I told you: GOOGLE. Don’t forget.) Anyway, the new job at McDonald’s that you’re about to start isn’t too bad. You’ll become the fastest-promoted worker in that stores history, and be a manager by next year. Even better, you’ll meet some people who will become life-long friends. You’ll also meet a few girls along the way. Just to help: Marla=yes, Rhonda=yes, Dalene=no (dude… she’s 15 you perv) Melanie=yes, and Flavia=hell no. There were several more but I forget their names. You’ll figure it out I’m sure. Oh, there is one other: I know Starla is only 14 in your current “when”, but you’ll run into her again in a few more years. You’ll screw it up too, jerk. She’s way flighty anyway, so don’t beat yourself up about it. Blame her if it helps, and rest assured we threw all the crap she left in out apartment in the dumpster. Back to money though, don’t stress. We’re doing fine, (although GOOGLE would help tremendously). You’re a smart guy with money, and all that debt you’re starting to accumulate? It gets worse, but relax. You are debt free by age 30. Look how smart you are! Er… will be! Have a beer to celebrate.

Wait, you’re 18. Wait a couple years, and then have a beer to celebrate. Oh, and let me tell you about the drinking while we’re on the subject. Enjoy it. I know that’s not the typical response you’d expect to hear from an adult, but I’m you and I’m telling you to enjoy it. There’s nothing wrong with it. Have fun. I can say this, because I know the outcome. Sure, we screwed up a few times, and we’re not a good drunk, but in your 20’s you come to a crossroads about drinking, and you’ll make the right choice. We’ve been sober for maybe nine or ten years now, and we’re proud of that fact. We can even still go out and have a couple of beers or drinks too, but we control it now. We’ve mastered it. So have fun, and drink up.

Now about computers. I know they’re just a curiosity or a novelty in your current time, but it’s best if you get a head start on them. I can tell you, I’m writing this letter to you right now on a computer that we personally built with our own two hands. It’s actually one of a long line of computers we’ve built over the years. Each one better than the one before it. Get going on that knowledge now, and it will make things better for both of us. We’re a smart guy, and although we can’t do Algebra for shit, we can add two and two. Just remember computers + GOOGLE + a little bit of money = happy future. Trust me. I expect good things when I wake up tomorrow in my mansion surrounded by supermodels because you read this letter. Unfortunately, science tells me that telling you too much about the future mucks up the space-time-continuum-whatsit-thing, but it doesn’t say I can’t drop hints. Think hard about it, then do the right thing.

Here’s something interesting. A couple of years ago we moved to Utah. I know, right? Even better, in my past (your future) we had a job where we got to travel all around the country seeing new things and places and meeting cool people. We’ve been to New York, LA, Boston, Dallas, San Diego, Oklahoma City, Chicago, Denver, Seattle, St. Louis, Houston, Baltimore; hell… we’ve been to every major city in the lower 48. Some of them several times. (Even Hell itself, which is known as Stockton California in your time… you’ll see) You know how we always wanted to see what’s “out there”? Well, we did… and most of it was pretty cool. Anyway, that job led us to an opportunity here in Utah, and we took it. We’ve made some friends and seen some cool things. Luckily, one of our best friends lives here. She’s about seven years old to you, but don’t be creeped out by that… she grows up to be one of the smartest people you’ve ever met, and just has this personality that “clicks” with you somehow. She’s going to go be a lawyer next year, and although we know she’ll be successful and we’re happy, we’ll miss her terribly when she’s gone. Anyway we like Utah, although be prepared for a MASSIVE culture shock. Seems people out here have a take on religion that’s difficult to understand and really weird. It’s hard to explain, so I can’t tell you. You’ll have to find out for yourself. However, know that one person you’ll meet of that persuasion is incredible and kind, and another one of your best friends. She’s one of those rare people that are beautiful both on the inside and the outside, and you get the privilege of becoming very close to her. I can’t wait for you to meet her, which, incidentally, is actually a couple of years before you move here. You’ll see what I mean.

That reminds me. Treat your friends better. I’m getting ahead of you a little bit, but there are some people you’ll meet in the next few years who will become closer to you than anyone has in the past. Two in particular. One of them is quite literally the most creative and witty person in the world, and the other is so kind and sincere and incredible. She also has the cutest, most sheepish smile ever. These two people will be with you throughout some of the worst times of your life, yet even now, eighteen years separate from you, we still call them friends. Ok, so they’re both 2,000 miles away, but remember computers? (GOOGLE) Computers will revolutionize communication and you will be able to see and interact with these friends even though they’re far away. Treat them well, ok? Tell them what they mean to you (a lot) and support them. One in fact, will have his own trying times and you need to support him when he does. Even though you can’t be there physically, he needs support and needs to know you understand a decision he’s going to make about his own life. I know her now by a different name than you will at first, but somehow, it just works better. It seems right. Tell him that when the time comes. Respect all of your friends, old and new. Be a better person to them than I was.

Treat yourself better too. Stop being shy and reclusive. Do you know I spend far too many weekends alone in my apartment? I blame you. You’ve got the whole world in front of you. You have the beginnings of a great body; you have a sharp mind, good friends… Stop being bashful. Get out there and meet people. Oh… I know you’ll meet some people, but don’t be such a jerk to them. Try to be nicer, and please don’t be so depressed all the time.

Oh, and on that note, while I’m at it, there will be an incident in a few years where depression will get the best of you. It will involve an X-acto knife, blood, some scars (which I still have to carry, you bastard), and the authorities. I’ll just go ahead and ruin the ending for you: You survive it. Now, wouldn’t it be better if you just didn’t even try? Far be it for me to dictate to…er, me — but that might have been an experience I could’ve done without. Or maybe not.

In getting older we’ve gotten slightly better looking. (Thanks for finally cutting off that mullet, by the way) The weight we managed to put on has rounded out our face more and given us a more mature appearance. Don’t worry about looking old though. Remember, we have Dad’s genetics. I may be 36 soon, but I don’t look it. Most people guess my age at around 30. If Dad is any indication, we’ll continue to look exactly like this until we’re about 50, when we may get some gray hair. Maybe. Probably not though. Dad is 64 and finally turned gray in the last few years. No, age doesn’t affect us physically like it does mortal people.

Being a vampire isn’t all good though. Protect your skin. Remember, we have pasty white skin void of all pigmentation. We don’t tan. (There is one exception the year you’re 22. We get a good tan that year, but at the cost of lots of burning beforehand.) Use lots of sunblock and don’t go on the beach in daylight. I have a few suspicious places on my skin that I should have checked out because of your recklessness. Just be careful.

We finally got that tattoo we always wanted in 2006. Check it out! We drew it ourselves, and it’s line-for-line exactly what we wanted. I’m only sorry that we waited that long for it, but a tattoo is something you can’t rush. You’ll just know when the time is right.

Oh, and in that same year you’re 22 and get that tan? There’s a girl. A cute girl. She’s even into you, you drunkard. Do not kick the poor thing in the head. Twice. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

What else? There’s just so much. So many things you can fix for me. I know I said to enjoy the drinking, but 1994 is a serious blur. You know how when you take a picture in a dark room with a flash, everything is pitch black, and suddenly there’s this bright flash of light where everything is clear, but only for an instant? Once that instant is over, there’s this fuzzy remnant of what was in the room, but it’s pitch black again and you can’t really picture it? That’s what 1994 is to me. Flashes of lucidity followed by complete darkness. If you could maybe just cut down just a little, it would be helpful.

Here’s a big one. You’re a musician. I remember. You got into (or will get into) every single college you apply to based almost exclusively on the fact that you play viola, and there aren’t many people who do. All of those colleges, yet you bail out and don’t attend any. Now, I’m not going to tell you what to do here, but I will let you know that decision is making it extremely hard to get a job here in 2008. There are some skills that we maybe could have acquired that would be coming in very handy for me right now. I remember that we do attend college at one point, but out heart wasn’t in it. We were too immature to take it seriously. I’m regretting that now, and I’m expecting you to do something about it. Go to college, and finish it this time. Get a degree… in anything. Whatever, just do it. Don’t let me down again. We’re too old to go back in my time, but you can do it back then.

Buy that damn Mazda 6 instead of the Taurus. It’s just a cooler car.

When it comes time to toss the DVD case that gets you fired from your job at Best Buy, fire that thing hard. Take out ten years of aggression on it and don’t hold back. It’s not going to matter what you do anyway, because they’re going to fire you no matter what you say. You don’t get a jury, a judge, or a trial. All you get for a decade of faithful service is an execution, so make it worth it. Fire it hard and shatter that bitch to Kingdom Come. It will be worth it.

There’s a cop sitting by a parking lot on West Broad Street in Columbus, Ohio in the year 2001 — at about 5PM — near the traffic light, just itching to catch somebody. Tip: Get your license tags renewed before they expire, dumbass.

Speaking of 2001, you’ll be in New York City in 2000. You’ll walk right by the World Trade Center and not even look up. Do me a favor, and check the buildings out real quick. They were pretty cool.

You know that cartoon from the Tracy Ullman show? The Simpsons? It’s still on. No, not re-runs. New episodes. Shouldn’t Bart be something like 29 years old in my now?

No, I don’t have a flying car. I know they promised us that stuff back in the 70s, and by the 21st century we should have had them, but they lied. The 21st century feels just like the 20th century, except there’s no more Russians and everything costs three times as much. And a guy named Barry Bonds broke all the home run records. And we’re about to either have a woman or a black guy for President.

Mia was cool, but a little scatterbrained. She’ll like you, no doubt, but be careful. I know what happened. And don’t believe Dave when he says her newborn twins have red hair. I’m sure it’s a lie.

Ask that radio DJ out. So what if she likes blond surfer guys? She lives in Ohio. She’s cute, and very friendly. Take a chance. I was always curious about that one.

Around ‘99 I think, you’ll get the opportunity to play softball representing Best Buy with a few members of the Cincinnati Reds against other retailers. Whatever you do, don’t let them make you pitch. You suck at pitching in softball. Luckily, you are Casey at the Bat, going four-for-four with two doubles and batting in six runs, but you lose the game on the defensive side because of your poor pitching. Your batting skills are the only reason that dick Aaron Boone kept you in the game, even after you give up like four home runs and ask to be benched. (Don’t worry too much about Boone though. In 2004 he’ll be playing third base for the Yankees, but tear a knee during a basketball game in violation of his contract and get cut. He’ll be replaced by a guy named Alex Rodriguez.)

There were a few fun things like that. Even though we lost, it was a good game and a great time. We made some friends that day. (Wait ’till you meet Angela… whoa!)

Oh man… there’s just so much to say. I’m serious dude; you could help me out so much by reading this letter and straightening some things out. Our life could be so much different and so much better if you listen to me. You could change everything.

Yeah. You could change… everything.

You… could…

You could change…

Everything?

Hey, you know what? I’ve been reading back over this letter and I think maybe I might have changed my mind. You know, people are the sum of their experiences. You and I have gone through a lot in the last 18 years. I could never even begin to put them all in a letter. Do you think that maybe we’re better for it? I mean, yeah… we made some mistakes. But mistakes are lessons disguised as pain or embarrassment. Once you figure that out, then you can learn the lesson. Maybe all those mistakes happened for a reason, and maybe I’m able to write this now because I know what I know from experience. And I sure don’t want you to screw up the good things by accident. What if something happened and I never got to travel the country? I would have never met Erin! I’d have likely never moved to Utah and made these wonderful friends! I’m scared to think what might have happened.

So I’m thinking you should just tear this letter up. Don’t even bother with it. Go ahead and live our life just as things come, and don’t worry too much about the future. Trust me, it turns out ok. Just forget everything I’ve said.

AAHHHHHHH! NO WAIT!

GOOGLE

(Remember that part.)

So have a good 18^th birthday, Me from 1990.

I’ll see you in a few.