This blog is selfish.  I’ll admit it though; it’s my blog, after all, and it’s about me and my life, so why shouldn’t it be a little bit selfish?  It’s fine if you judge me for that.  I don’t mind.  I’m gonna write one today that’s personal and selfish, and I’m doing it in the hopes that it helps me to feel a little better.

As I type this, my Rhapsody player in the other window has creepily chosen to play the song Ordinary World, by Duran Duran.  If you know this song, you know it’s about loss and the will to move on, and that’s pretty much how I feel.  Call me sentimental or just plain mental, but I have occasional emotions.  Tomorrow I’ll rebuild all my personal walls and manly indifference and revert to my Spock-like robotic state, but today I just want to feel.

You see, today the last of my best friends is leaving me.  Well, they aren’t leaving me per se, they’ve left their old lives behind and moved on to greener pastures, but I kinda feel like the lost puppy who was found by wonderful people and loved for a minute, only to be left at the shelter.  See?  I told you this blog would be selfish.  I’m staring into an uncertain future and floundering in a sea and all my support is gone.

No, that’s a stupid way of looking at it, and I’m not very good at being selfish.  I tried, and I do feel a little bit left behind, but I can’t in reality feel anything but happiness for my friends who have moved on and found purpose in their lives.

When I moved here four years ago, I packed up and left all of my friends and my family behind.  I’ve moved out of my friends lives on more than one occasion actually, so I suppose it’s just my turn to get a little payback.  Now I know how it feels, I suppose.  Coming here, I didn’t know anyone in Salt Lake at all, and my job then had me traveling all over the country for weeks at a time, so making new friends was a daunting prospect at best.  Still, almost immediately I met someone who, despite more than a decade’s difference in age, as well as completely different perspectives on most everything, befriended me without question.  She’s one of the only people I know who simply accepts me for what I am.  The very first time I met her, our discussion ran a huge range of topics, with nothing taboo at all.  So refreshing to have someone like that.  Everyone should have a friend who simply is your friend, without any requirements or pressures.  Despite whatever differences you may have, you simply click.

Shortly after that I met another amazing person who I had the great pleasure of developing a wonderful romantic relationship with, a relationship which ended not in mistrust and bad feelings, as these things usually do, but evolved into an immensely strong friendship based on respect and admiration.  We too are fairly far apart in age and even farther apart in beliefs and experiences, but none of that matters.  I’m very proud to count both of these people among my very best friends, and I love them both without condition or reservation.  So there.

As is life, things change, and I’m very proud that both of them have found their places and directions in life, and are off to live it.  That alone makes me very happy.  Plus, we’re in the 21st century, aren’t we?  I mean, when you count all the Internets and the Facebooks and text messages and whatnot, it’s not like your friends are more than a couple of nanoseconds away anyway, regardless of where they may physically be.  Technology has made long-distance friendships easy, and although they may be different, they are quite doable.  No worries there.

So why do I only have two friends?  Well, that’s not really accurate.  I have quite a few friends here in Utah actually, but these two were my best friends.  My “hang-out-with-able” best friends, the ones I went to when I needed the kind of friendship that’s beyond familiar acquaintance.  The people whom I felt comfortable sharing my thoughts and secrets with, and the people who I knew I could count on to be honest and forthcoming.  The people I trusted and cared about.  We all have lots of friends, but there are different kinds of friends.  These two are the best kind.  I no longer have any friends like this in Utah, and I guess that’s why I’m sad.

So yeah, I selfishly feel a little bit lost now.  One of my best friends is happily newly married and living far away in boring “look, more sagebrush!” Idaho.  The other is going to law school in far away “look, it’s raining again!” Oregon.  Both of them are ecstatic and excited, and both of them deserve their new lives and their new opportunities.  I wish them both the best, and I hope we can still be close in whatever way we can.  I smile after them brightly and knowingly.

So now what?  Well, they have new beginnings, and so must I.  Living like a hermit doesn’t suit me, for instance, so I resolve to get out and meet people and make new friends.  I definitely need an image makeover, so that will be a good start.  A change of scenery is probable too, although not quite yet.  I need to break out of this shell and get out of this funk and stop feeling sorry for myself.  It’s a chance to start again, and I hope I can take it.  I won’t cry for yesterday. There’s an ordinary world… somehow I have to find.

Here’s to new beginnings… for all of us.

I’ve been itching to write lately, but I can’t seem to come up with anything when I sit down to do it.  Does this happen to anyone else?  There a need… a longing to get something down, yet when the opportunity comes, nothing comes out.  It’s not writer’s block per se, just some sort of short-circuit somewhere.  It’s aggravating.

Nothing is happening with me lately.  I’m still on the job hunt, having been laid off recently.  I’ve filled out so many applications that I honestly can’t remember who I’ve applied to and who I haven’t, but I’ve gotten no responses save for Target, who told me to go take a hike.  If I can’t get hired at Target (I applied to be a cashier, no less), then what are my chances now?  I am SO depressed about this.  I’m to the point where I literally don’t have any more options, and I don’t know what to do.  I’m lost.

On Tuesday I traveled up to Idaho Falls to see my friends get married.  It’s a horribly long drive, but it was made easier by a carpool situation that I and two other friends managed to set up.  Of course, nature intervened for me and made it one of the absolute worst allergy days of the year, so I spent the entire day blowing my nose and sniffing uncontrollably.  I was also drugged up to high heaven and was basically stoned the entire time on a combination of DayQuil and Claritin and Flonase.  I tried really hard to act normally and be as pleasant as I could, and hopefully I pulled it off successfully to the point where not too many people noticed.  That allergy attack has since worsened into a sinus infection, but the good news is that I got to witness my best friend in her happiest moment, and I wouldn’t trade that for all the allergy drugs in the world.  That’s the important thing. 

The defining moment for the evening (for me) wasn’t my misery, or the long drive, or the yum-licious red velvet wedding cake that was positively orgasmic.  It was the point right as my friend walked down the isle with her dad accompanying her.  The smile on her face told everything.  She beamed more brightly than I’ve ever seen, and at that moment she was more beautiful than anything or anyone else in the world.  Those are the moments that I love, and to see that kind of happiness makes everything else absolutely trivial.

In that small, fleeting moment… the world was a good place, and nothing else mattered.

Now it’s back into the fray.  I sit here today, having mostly recovered from my illness (just a slight cough and some soreness), and I’m wondering what my future holds.  Bills keep coming, but job offers don’t, and I’m getting depressed all over again.  Reality sucks sometimes.  Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Thank you Erin, for that moment.  I’ll keep it with me and remember it when I’m feeling a bit down.  Best of luck and all my love to you and your new family.  Be good and be happy.

Well, here we are sweeping away the last few crumbs of 2008.  This has been a pretty routine year for me, because quite frankly, I haven’t accomplished much.  There were a few high points, only a couple of low points, and lots of middle ground.  Here’s a quick review of 2008’s greatest hits, sovknight style.

1.  In January, my continuous employment of ten long years came to a very abrupt end.  I was terminated over the matter of a broken DVD case worth approximately $4.  This, after a decade of faithful service, running multi-million dollar departments and traveling the entire country for a corporate entity who cares little for it’s employees.  In the end though, this was a good thing.

2.  In May, I turned 36 years old.  There’s this sort of unspoken thing with men that says by the time you’re 35, your life should pretty much be on the path it’s destined for, and your career and love life and kids and education should be things you worried about in the past.  By 35, you should have achieved.  Well, I’m behind the curve.  Not only is my life pretty much a complete waste up until this point, but I don’t really have any prospects for the future.  There’s obviously something wrong with me.  This one is in the "bad thing" category.

3.  After seeing a video of a parade I marched in over the summer, I couldn’t help but stare in enraged astonishment at the bloated, disgustingly fat blob of flesh that I had let myself become.  Photographic evidence further supported this realization, and after thinking back on the tight, well-muscled frame I fought so many years to acquire in my late teens, I couldn’t help but feel sickened by my apathy towards my appearance.  To that end, I decided enough was enough.  I adjusted my diet and took up hiking as much as twice a week, and over the course of three months, I lost 25 pounds and gained a lot more energy and vitality.  I will never allow myself to become fat again.  This one is a good thing.

4.  I climbed a mountain!  If you’d have asked me ten years ago if I would ever physically climb a mountain, I’d have told you that it’s "on my list", but wouldn’t realistically expect it to happen.  Well, this past year my friend Sra and I accomplished what a surprising few people do.  We stood on the summit of a mountain, like gods, (it was Mount Olympus, after all) looking down on all that is below.  I am especially proud of this achievement, and I will take it as one of the highest points (pun intended) of the year.  Good thing.

5.  As a result of my unemployment, I decided to actually take time away from work and focus on myself for the first time ever.  I took the entire year off, and I will say, without reservation, that for the FIRST TIME EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, I get enough sleep.  This is no small thing, I am being sincere.  Getting enough sleep on a consistent basis is something that everyone takes for granted, and you seriously don’t know what you’re missing.  This is a good thing.

6.  I finally declared Atheism.  There are those who might think this is sad, but it is not.  I’ve been on the fence for about a decade concerning my stance on religion and God.  I’ve been on one side or the other my entire life and the revelation I received finally, is that only by opening your eyes and your mind will you ever be at peace with your faith.  God is a construct.  It’s a way for people to explain things they can’t understand, and mankind will never reach it’s full potential unless we finally give up on superstition and naiveté and see what is real and true.  If there is such a thing as fate, then let me say that my undefined purpose for moving to Utah was to finally come to grips with faith and religion, and it took moving here and seeing the differences and perversions in what should be constants for me to finally realize it.  It’s all imaginary.  This is my decision, and I have no doubts that it is the correct one.  This is a good thing.

7.  I lost a lot of money this year.  A LOT.  This is because of my decision not to work, and my failures at starting a home-based business.  I went from making roughly $50K per year down to making $0 per year, and my bank accounts suffered for it.  Even so, it’s still only money.  I can always get more.  Sometimes you have to get humble and climb down a few pegs before going back up.  Losing thousands of dollars is a bad thing, but gaining humility and perspective is a good thing.  This one is a wash.

8.  I discovered a passion for photography.  It also appears that I’m fairly good at it, and getting better.  One of the best things about my decision not to work is that I had plenty of free time to discover my passions, and photography was the big one.  It also helps to live where I live.  I like taking pictures, and more than that, I like seeing people’s reactions to my pictures.  This is definitely a good thing about this past year.

9.  Depression kicked my ass this year.  I’ve "suffered" from depression (I hate that term) since I was a teenager, and this past year has been especially difficult.  I’m thankful for some supportive friends that have helped a little, but depression is a personal issue, and despite what you may want to believe, there is no cure.  Not having an income, failing at business opportunities, and failing to see future prospects really wears on the soul.  I’m hoping next year can turn this around, but I’m not betting on it.  We’ll see.  Category:  Bad.

10.  It may seem anti-climatic to end with this one, but it’s a good one.  I found out something about myself this year.  I’m a writer.  Yes, that’s right.  I am damn good at writing.  Of course, there’s always room for improvement, but on the whole, writing, creating, imagining, articulating, and even things like spelling and grammar come incredibly easy to me.  And in truth, they always have.  I know this all sounds like a massive boast, but please forgive me this once.  I found something that I excel at and it makes me feel good.  It’s a single ray of sunshine breaking through the clouds of my psyche, and I intend to exploit it as best I can.  There are exciting things on the horizon in this matter.  I can hardly wait.

Another year down.  2008 was a curious one for me, and overall I can say it was a positive one.  There was good and bad, but there was balance, and that’s one more for the "good" side. 

See you next year.

Everything seems a bit slow of late.  No, I don’t mean the bustle of the season, the idiots on the icy roads, or the ever-marching time (is it seriously the end of December already?)  No, I mean the blogging world has slowed down considerably.  I’m not exempt either.  It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, and even longer since I’ve written anything interesting.  Most of my bloggy friends have slowed the pace down as well.  It’s the time of year where no one has the time or inclination, I suppose.

A few people still update daily, or at least a few times a week.  Lately, these have been the “just checking in” type of posts you see when someone feels the need to blog, but doesn’t really want to.  Others have simply put things on hiatus until the holidays are over.  I can understand that.  I know how it is.

I just want to stop and take a moment to let all of my wonderful readers know I’m still here.  I still have ideas, and I still have rants, and I still have lots of things to observe and/or complain about.  The Christmas season for me isn’t quite what it is for other people.  Most of my friends live a couple of thousand miles away, and my local friends all have family that’s near.  I, on the other hand, am here pretty much all alone.  I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining too much, but I admit it’s kinda lonely.  Add to that the fact that I’m really not a Christmassy kind of person.  I suppose I just feel depressed around this time of year.  Anyway, my blog is still here and my thoughts are abundant, so expect more from me soon.

I look forward to the new year, so I can get my bearings back and start making plans for the future.  Hopefully, things will look up.

Until then, Happy Christmas.