That’s me in the mornings.  Doesn’t matter what time I went to bed the night before, or how much sleep I got.  I could have been asleep for days, but I’d still be a zombie if my awakening were to occur any time before noon.  I’ve always been that way, and I don’t know that it will ever change.  Very simply, it’s who I am.

People that are bright and cheery in the early mornings annoy me, and I’m both envious and put off at the same time.  I don’t know how anyone could possibly find anything to be cheerful about with only a handful of brain cells activated.  Perhaps they’re chemically altered with coffee or soda pop.  Those things simply don’t work for me.   Certainly, cheerfulness cannot be a normal state in the early morn.  It is inhuman.  Inhuman I say!

I recently agreed to take the morning shift at work.  I’m fine with it, actually, because the carrot was getting my weekends off.  That’s a nice thing; it makes me feel normal, in a way.  In order to achieve this morning shift however, I must somehow coax my warm, comfortable, and perfectly happy self out of bed at the ungodly hour of 5:30AM.  This is because I am a shower-taker and a breakfast-eater.  I could probably gain another half-hour or so of blissful sleep otherwise, but my body is conditioned to food at the onset of my day, and a shower is the only thing capable of semi-waking me up.  Because of the shower-taking and breakfast-eating, I lose roughly 15-20 minutes of beloved sleep.  I also must spend an additional 10-15 minutes wandering about it a dazed stupor.  These things are necessary to achieve the proper amount of wakefulness needed to drive to work and begin my day.

It’s not 100% peachy though, even then.  My job consists of sitting in my office and answering phones, which is conducive to lots of head-nodding and eye-rubbing.  Don’t misunderstand:  I like my job and I’m ever grateful for the opportunity, I simply have a hard time adjusting to life before noon.

As the wise and noble Garfield (the cat) once said:  “Mornings would be great if they came later in the day.”  I’m a firm subscriber to this way of thinking.  It’s unnatural to be awake before the sun comes up.  For primitive man, it could have meant life or death.  No one wants to get eaten by a saber-tooth tiger whilst stumbling about in the dark, especially before morning coffee.  Take a lesson from our ancestors, and remember that more sleep is always a good thing.  Oh, and if you see an unkempt creature with wrinkled clothing, messy hair, purple eye bags and a pale complexion, lumbering along with a blank expression of abject misery, it’s either Amy Winehouse, or just me, on my way to start my day.

Today marked the completion to some goals that I’ve had for a while.  There were two major ones:  Get a job, and get a new place to live.  Having started my new job on Monday, and having signed a lease to a new apartment late this afternoon, those two important goals have been accomplished.

Allow me to be introspective for a minute.  It’s been a tough year so far, and the toughness isn’t over yet.  In sports terms, this year is a “rebuilding” year for me.  Lots of basic changes and adjustments to my life and my lifestyle.  Gone is the $50K per year job that I used to have.  Gone is the freedom and laziness of unemployment.  Gone is a lot of money that I used to possess, and gone is the sense of optimism I used to have for myself and my endeavors.  These things have been replaced with a low-paying job, daily commitment, a tiny bit of income, and a very unsure feeling about how to continue.  My, how the mighty have fallen.

Not that I was every really all that mighty, mind you.  It’s just that I was used to a certain standard of living, and that standard must be lowered if I’m to survive with my sanity intact. 

I never thought this is where I’d be at my age.  When you’re young, and you picture yourself as older, you tend to picture things as being wonderful.  Good job, nice house, cool car, maybe a hot wife and even a couple of kids.  You don’t think that as you approach 40, you’d be scraping by on an unsteady income without a sense of direction or purpose for your life.  It’s difficult to see it even when you’re inside of it  It’s almost like a bad joke, and you just can’t believe it.  I feel like I’m having a bad dream, and I’m ready to wake up any time now.  Yet the dream continues.

It’s not all bad, so don’t get me wrong.  I have a job, I have money, and I have a place to live and food to eat.  That’s more than a LOT of people have, and I’m grateful.  I am thankful for the things that I have, but I used to have more.  Now I have less.  Sometimes change is hard.

I know I’m whining.  I apologize, but reality has bitch-slapped me into submission, and I just need to vent.  I need to get it out of my system so I can wake up tomorrow and embrace my new future, work as hard as I can, and hopefully turn things around.  I need to find that purpose again.  I need to re-find myself, for I sometimes fear that I am truly lost.

20 years ago:  I was 16 years old, still living at home in Greenville Ohio.  I was between a Sophomore and a Junior in high school, very thin and lanky, with a misguided sense of goodness about the world and an extreme case of immaturity.  Highlights of that year included getting my driver’s license and my first trip to Disney World in Florida.  I had my first ever job, at a place called Hardee’s (known to my Utah friends as Carl’s Jr.), and I hated it with a passion like no other.  I worked there nine months and quit with no notice.  I didn’t have another job until after high school.

10 years ago:  I would have been 26.  Let’s see… at that time I was living in my second apartment in Troy Ohio, with my roommate Caleb.  Caleb and I wanted to start a band, with him playing guitar and me on the bass, but it never really took off.  I was working at a gym as a fitness instructor then, making very little money but loving the job because I essentially did nothing at all, four days out of the week, and had a killer body to show for it.  I worked overnights at the gym, which meant plenty of time for goofing off, socializing, watching television in the nursery, working out, flirting, napping, and occasional cleaning.  I made lots of friends with the overnight patrons, which included several professional wrestlers, a really hot radio DJ, and off-work strippers.  Fond memories.

5 years ago:  Living in my apartment in Columbus Ohio.  Working for Best Buy, traveling the country setting up new stores and remodeling older ones.  One job to open up a new Best Buy resulted in a trip to Orem, Utah;  someplace I’d never heard of and likely never considered going.  Utah was quite beautiful, although the residents told me that the state had been in a severe drought for years.  I didn’t believe them, because it rained the entire first week we were there.  This was one of those times in my life where I was very depressed, looking for a change or a way out of my current life situation.  I’ve never been good with routine.

3 years ago:  The summer of 2005, I was still with Best Buy, working in a store in the receiving department.  I had the itch to start traveling again, and looking through the job boards, I discovered that Best Buy was adding a special projects team to the Salt Lake City area.  Furthermore, I noted that the manager they hired to head the team was someone that I knew and had worked with before.  In all honesty, it took me all of about one day to completely make up my mind to drop my entire life, sell, give away, or throw away everything I owned, say goodbye to my friends, and move my entire life to the other side of the country.  With my experience, I could be the supervisor for the team, make good money, and have a chance to start over again.  Maybe I could beat the depression after all.  I remember telling my parents about it, not asking, but telling them.  I remember my boss at the time, who came up to me one day after I told him I applied for a job in Utah.  He told me, "good luck!"  I responded, "I’ve already been offered the job."  "It’s only been two days!  You didn’t have an interview?"  "Yes, it was a phone interview.  He asked me if I knew what the job was, I said yes.  He asked me if I thought I could handle it, I said yes.  He then said, congratulations.  We’ll see you in Oklahoma City in two weeks."  My boss was dumbfounded.

I remember taking stock of my possessions, looking around my apartment trying to decide what to take.  I also remember picking up everything that wasn’t nailed down and throwing it into the dumpster outside.  In all, I tossed out 90% of everything I’d ever owned, and squeezed the rest into a shipping pod.  I truly started my life over.

1 year ago:  Unbeknownst to me at the time, my last summer with Best Buy.  We’d opened a new store in West Jordan, and I was supervising the Merchandising department.  I was growing extremely resentful about my job, and I wanted to find something different.  I’d just gotten out of a somewhat long-term relationship with a wonderful girl, and I was looking forward to new possibilities.  Getting restless again, like before. 

So far this year:  I was occupationally liberated after ten years with Best Buy in January.  Instead of finding a new job immediately, I decided I was going to take off anywhere from three to six months and enjoy it.  I cashed in my stock options, took the vacation pay, and sat back to relax.  I’ve discovered a renewed interest in Photography, started writing again, and opened my eyes to a world without the restrictions of going to a job and working for the Man.  I feel physically healthier than I have in at least ten years, and I can honestly say that I actually get enough sleep now.  Of course, the economy derailed and screwed up my plans for early retirement, but leaving Best Buy was still one of the better things that’s happened to me recently. 

As I write this, I’m still very restless.  I’m looking at new possibilities on the horizon, and Utah may soon become another chapter in my history.  We’ll see.

Everyone knows who George Carlin was.  Not everyone liked his particular brand of humor, which was always sharp and punctuated with crisp four-letter words and divergent thoughts, but to me it wasn’t always about his humor.  What I liked about Carlin was how razor sharp his mind could be.  How he took everyday topics and shone a light down upon them, making them brighter and more defined, and forced you to look at them in ways you never thought about.  He was a master of logic and thought, and never let even the small details go unnoticed.  No one was safe.  Nothing was safe.  Everything and everybody was fair game.

And he was right. 

I’ll repeat that:  He was right.

No one pushed the envelope more than George.  No one had more balls.  The greatest comedian in my lifetime.  One of the greatest thinkers ever.  An inspiration to me most definitely, and many millions of others.  One of the smartest people who ever lived.  Ever.

The whole world is dimmer somehow…

Carlin on language.

Carlin on environmentalism.

Carlin on religion:

Carlin on voting:

Carlin on intelligence and fat people:

There are so many more moments.  Do yourself a favor and watch them all.

Bye George.  We miss you already.

Now, ten years is a long time in retail. In that decade, I saw so many people come and go in so many ways. The turnover rate in that industry is absolutely hideous, and no one is exempt. Everyone from the lowliest part-timer to district managers, vice-presidents, and even presidents come in and go out with surprising regularity. The nature of retail is so volatile and sketchy that you never really know from one day to the next what’s going to happen. Sure, you can speculate, but you tend to be wrong more often than not. For me to survive ten years in that environment is quite the achievement. It’s actually something I’m proud of in a lot of ways.

You may ask why I spent so long working in retail. After all, isn’t that for starving college kids and just-out-of-school teenagers looking for their first jobs? Don’t retail people make minimum wage and curse themselves daily for filling out that damn application in the first place? Do you have a vast collection of plastic name tags and khaki-styled pants? How could an intelligent, college-educated person subject themselves to the torture of retail for an entire decade? Shouldn’t you be dead or in jail for shooting the place up by now?

Well, most of those are valid points. I’d say a majority of the people that work on a store level are young adults, or even outright kids. The average age is probably about twenty, give or take, and for many of them, it is their first or one of their first jobs. Retail is easy to get into, and it offers a lot of promises if you stick it out. Sadly, a vast majority (and by vast, I literally mean over 90%) don’t stick it out, and those that do realize that those promises will eventually be broken.

As for that other stuff, well, I do actually have a pretty good stash of old name tags, and I do own probably about 10 pairs of khaki pants. I’ve never actually fantasized about shooting the place up, but I’ll admit that if I were to have had, say, some sort of cool super powers, like electromagnetism, it would have potentially served me well in a number of occasions. I never worked for minimum wage though, and I actually made pretty good money at my level. The benefits were fantastic (ten years had its advantages), and there were perks, like a healthy employee discount and a good social experience.

Lest you think I’m actually advocating retail however, know that it wasn’t all fun and games. The biggest problem with retail is that it promises lots of things but doesn’t deliver. Do a search for your favorite retailer and you’ll undoubtedly come up with all kinds of articles and posts about how this person got screwed and that person got screwed and so forth. You’ll get some positive responses as well, but it only takes one negative experience to balloon out of proportion, and the whole thing collapses. Retail is hell on Earth, and you don’t have to look any farther than Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving) in order to know that. It’s a day of absolute misery for employees and customers alike.

I stayed in retail for selfish reasons and stupid reasons. After a point, I made pretty good money. Money isn’t a huge driving force for me personally, but like anyone, I have to eat and have a place to live. I also have expensive hobbies, so good money was definitely a positive. As I mentioned, the benefits were good as well, so I didn’t have to worry too much about medical expenses killing me. Mostly though, it was my life. It was routine, it was normal. After so long, you get to a point where you just sort of cruise on autopilot. You don’t have to think about work, you just sorta know it’s there and you go. Like eating a meal that you don’t particularly hate or like, it’s just sustaining. You know what to expect, you know how it tastes, you know the routine and the outcome, and you just let it happen. A little effort is required here and there, but nothing too spectacular. You just drone on, day after day in sort of a numb capacity. It becomes who you are and how you define yourself. You stop thinking about it.

This is so unhealthy. You should never, never let a job you don’t care for define your life. If you love what you do, say if you’re a musician or an artist or whatever, and you are lucky enough to make a living from that, then that’s a different story. I’m not a retailer though. That’s what I did, not what I am. My existence became about going to work, getting my paycheck, then getting some sleep so I could go back to work again the next day. That’s no way to live.

A parting shot

So today I’m looking at my finances and I discover that I’ve received a paycheck from my former employer. Now, It’s been four and a half weeks since my liberation, and they’ve already paid me for my vacation hours and whatnot, so I’m a little surprised. I logged on to my direct deposit account, and low and behold, I see this:

This is an actual screen grab of my paycheck. I’ve taken the liberty to blacken out the sensitive stuff, but I highlighted some things to prove my point.

Firstly, I know that I have no argument in this case. I know that this is all perfectly legal and I have no recourse. I’m simply posting this because IT SUCKS. It’s a perfect example of why so many people can never get ahead, and that there are certain rules and laws in effect for no reason other than to make life harder.

As you can see, during my last dying gasp with the company I managed to accrue 4.62 extra hours of vacation time beyond what they paid me after termination, at a rate of 16.15 per hour. This equates to $74.63 in taxable earnings. However, they’ve deducted $56.61 in pre-tax dollars for my health plan. This is all well and good, except that my health plan was discontinued last month. As of January 31st, I was no longer covered by my health care plan. What does this mean? Exactly. I just paid $56.61 for nothing. Gone. Vanished into thin air, never to be seen again. I get absolutely no benefit from that $56.61 at all. Nothing. That money was stolen from me.

I know this is an automatic process. Still, it feels like they screwed me. It feels like a knife in my back. It’s not enough to take away my livelihood and my means of supporting myself, no… You have to dangle a tiny carrot in front of my face, and then snatch it away at the last second while laughing gleefully at my expense. I get $16 of my original $75. A pittance. Somewhere, the retails gods are rolling on the floor in a fit of laughter and spite. I can just hear them now. Fat bastards.

Happier even though

I don’t regret my time in retail. It’s given me invaluable experience in dealing with people, it’s given me a skill set that can prove handy in other aspects of my life, and it’s given me some friends that I’ve come to know over the years. It’s also given me some money that I was able to invest and live off for the time being until I find a new job. Still, what did I trade for that time? What did I give up to get these things? Was it worth it? Was the price too high? It’s hard to say right now. I can say this though, I’m happier without it. The job I mean. It was eating me from the inside out, and controlling my life in a way that I didn’t like. It was like a cancer growing and stealing away precious time. You should work to live, not live to work. Life comes first, job comes later. Notice I didn’t say second… I said later. These things I’ve had lots of time to ponder over the last few weeks, and in the end I have to admit, I’m happier now. I have more control over my life, and I don’t miss the old job one bit.

Now it’s time to move on and find my path.

Here’s to the future.

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