Here’s my conundrum, however.  On every application there’s always a question that asks, in some form or another, whether or not I’ve ever been terminated from a job.  It’s a fair question, but I’m having a crisis on whether to answer it honestly or not.  Yes, I have been terminated from a previous job, but I don’t believe that should disqualify me automatically from the one I’m applying for.  I believe that it may doing just that though.

I have been answering “yes”, of course, because I believe honesty is always the best policy, but I can’t help but wonder if this is what’s been keeping me from getting the jobs for which I’m applying.  Should I tell them “no” on the application, and hope that it never comes up again?  Or should I continue to be honest in the hopes that it really shouldn’t matter that much?  Are employers really judging me for this, or am I just being paranoid?  They are more than welcome to ask me about it in the interview process, and I’ll be completely honest, but so far I haven’t managed to get to that point.  I’m really getting frustrated.

I do think being honest is the right way to go.  I just don’t want it to bite me in the ass.

They say money doesn’t buy happiness.  They also say that money doesn’t solve problems.  I’d like to test these theories.  Give me a bunch of money, and I’ll spend it and let you know if I’m happy and no longer have as many problems.  I’ll be your experiment.

Maybe money doesn’t buy happiness, but it can sure buy things that make me happy.  At least for a while.  When I get tired of one happy thing, and it no longer amuses me, I’ll simply buy another and be happy all over again.  Give me enough money, and I’m sure I can buy a certain amount of happiness that will last me a good long time.  I have no problem being a guinea pig in the testing of these theories.  Give me big wads of cash and let me loose.  I’ll get back to you with the results (eventually).

For the second day in a row, I’ve been rained out of work.  It’s not supposed to rain here in the desert, but someone forgot to tell somebody, because it’s been raining for the better part of a week now.  Even my boss, who has lived here his entire life, says he’s never seen weather like this in Utah ever before.  It’s some kind of fluke weather system that won’t go away.  Because my job depends on it NOT raining, I’ve essentially been out of work now this entire week.  This is not a good thing.

I hope Utah is enjoying this nice rainy season.  It’s not that we couldn’t always use more water, it’s just that it has come at a most inconvenient time.  In the meantime, anyone know where I can get some money?

Today marked the completion to some goals that I’ve had for a while.  There were two major ones:  Get a job, and get a new place to live.  Having started my new job on Monday, and having signed a lease to a new apartment late this afternoon, those two important goals have been accomplished.

Allow me to be introspective for a minute.  It’s been a tough year so far, and the toughness isn’t over yet.  In sports terms, this year is a “rebuilding” year for me.  Lots of basic changes and adjustments to my life and my lifestyle.  Gone is the $50K per year job that I used to have.  Gone is the freedom and laziness of unemployment.  Gone is a lot of money that I used to possess, and gone is the sense of optimism I used to have for myself and my endeavors.  These things have been replaced with a low-paying job, daily commitment, a tiny bit of income, and a very unsure feeling about how to continue.  My, how the mighty have fallen.

Not that I was every really all that mighty, mind you.  It’s just that I was used to a certain standard of living, and that standard must be lowered if I’m to survive with my sanity intact. 

I never thought this is where I’d be at my age.  When you’re young, and you picture yourself as older, you tend to picture things as being wonderful.  Good job, nice house, cool car, maybe a hot wife and even a couple of kids.  You don’t think that as you approach 40, you’d be scraping by on an unsteady income without a sense of direction or purpose for your life.  It’s difficult to see it even when you’re inside of it  It’s almost like a bad joke, and you just can’t believe it.  I feel like I’m having a bad dream, and I’m ready to wake up any time now.  Yet the dream continues.

It’s not all bad, so don’t get me wrong.  I have a job, I have money, and I have a place to live and food to eat.  That’s more than a LOT of people have, and I’m grateful.  I am thankful for the things that I have, but I used to have more.  Now I have less.  Sometimes change is hard.

I know I’m whining.  I apologize, but reality has bitch-slapped me into submission, and I just need to vent.  I need to get it out of my system so I can wake up tomorrow and embrace my new future, work as hard as I can, and hopefully turn things around.  I need to find that purpose again.  I need to re-find myself, for I sometimes fear that I am truly lost.

I am wishing it paid a little better though.  Definitely not gonna get rich doing this, but hopefully it can pay some of the bills.  I’m still not giving up on my writing or photography, and my hope is that I can make some money from those endeavors and top off the old checking account every month.  My little stint at being self employed was seriously derailed by two factors:  One, I apparently suck at marketing myself, and two, the United States economy sucks at everything.  I’m still in better shape than most people though, as I have absolutely no debt.  I’ve also still got a good amount in savings, although it was getting perilous there at the last.  Actually, I’m still not out of the woods yet, because my new job pays about half of what I used to make, so my belt must continue to be ever tight. 

Where did everything go so wrong?  Why are so many people out of work, and why is it so hard to find work these days?  I just don’t understand the brain-dead attitude that got us into this mess.  I sure wish someone would fix it.  This whole “recession/depression” thing is getting seriously old.

There’s really no good reason for this.  Not one that I can think of, at least.  I did go to college, and in fact I got accepted into every college I applied to when I was 17.  Now, that was based largely on the fact that I played Viola, and less on my academics, but still, I graduated high school with a GPA around 3, which was respectable since I failed two math courses.  If not for that, I’d have made Cum Laude (I did the math.)  For the record, math still sucks and I hate it with a passion.

No, I didn’t finish for a couple of reasons.  Money was number one.  I funded my college education myself.  I didn’t get a single loan or grant, nor did my parents help in any way.  I got a job and went to college at the same time.  After a time, I simply ran out of money.  The bright side to that is that I have no loans to pay back.  I remain debt-free.

Two, I was young and impulsive.  There were too many distractions, like girls and work and girls and drinking beer with friends, going out (sometimes with girls), and generally being a kid, even though I was technically an adult.  I spent too much time in class goofing off.  I carried my “never do homework” policy over from high school, and I just pretty much dropped the ball.  I didn’t take it seriously enough.

Now that I’m old I realize what a huge mistake this was.  I’ve always said, and still maintain, that if there’s one regret I have in life, and if I could go back and redo one thing, I’d finish college.  Education is more important than just about everything else, and if you don’t take advantage of it, you find yourself in your late 30′s with no job and no degree trying to earn respect you apparently don’t deserve.  It’s very humbling.

I recently updated my resume.  I pretty much cried through the whole process, and I felt humiliated by the pathetic-ness of my professional life spelled out before me in black & white.  My resume is a sad, sad thing to see.  It lists years and years of actual work experience, almost all in leadership and management positions, but no real education, which probably invalidates the entire thing to hiring managers and HR people.  It’s embarrassing.

What makes is worse is that I see college-educated people all around me every day.  I see these people, with their fancy degrees and their six-figure salaries, and note that they lack even the most basic skills, like spelling words correctly and using proper grammar when they write.  They can’t articulate at all.  They are sloppy and lazy and over-confident.  I see examples of artwork by “professionals” that I know I can outdo easily.  These are people that paid tens of thousands of dollars for an education that can barely write their own names legibly, or create something truly unique that isn’t tainted by an over-reliance on forms and traditions.  It sickens me that my experience and native ability trumps their education almost every time, but if it came down to me and some guy with a degree for a job, guess who likely wins?

I’m woefully undereducated, but still pretty damn smart.  My close friends can attest to that.  There is nothing I’ve not excelled at when I take interest in it and put my mind to it.  I wish society could look at people for what they can do, and what they are, instead of what they didn’t do, and what they didn’t finish in the past.

I didn’t finish college.  Some mistakes you just can’t fix.

1.  In January, my continuous employment of ten long years came to a very abrupt end.  I was terminated over the matter of a broken DVD case worth approximately $4.  This, after a decade of faithful service, running multi-million dollar departments and traveling the entire country for a corporate entity who cares little for it’s employees.  In the end though, this was a good thing.

2.  In May, I turned 36 years old.  There’s this sort of unspoken thing with men that says by the time you’re 35, your life should pretty much be on the path it’s destined for, and your career and love life and kids and education should be things you worried about in the past.  By 35, you should have achieved.  Well, I’m behind the curve.  Not only is my life pretty much a complete waste up until this point, but I don’t really have any prospects for the future.  There’s obviously something wrong with me.  This one is in the "bad thing" category.

3.  After seeing a video of a parade I marched in over the summer, I couldn’t help but stare in enraged astonishment at the bloated, disgustingly fat blob of flesh that I had let myself become.  Photographic evidence further supported this realization, and after thinking back on the tight, well-muscled frame I fought so many years to acquire in my late teens, I couldn’t help but feel sickened by my apathy towards my appearance.  To that end, I decided enough was enough.  I adjusted my diet and took up hiking as much as twice a week, and over the course of three months, I lost 25 pounds and gained a lot more energy and vitality.  I will never allow myself to become fat again.  This one is a good thing.

4.  I climbed a mountain!  If you’d have asked me ten years ago if I would ever physically climb a mountain, I’d have told you that it’s "on my list", but wouldn’t realistically expect it to happen.  Well, this past year my friend Sra and I accomplished what a surprising few people do.  We stood on the summit of a mountain, like gods, (it was Mount Olympus, after all) looking down on all that is below.  I am especially proud of this achievement, and I will take it as one of the highest points (pun intended) of the year.  Good thing.

5.  As a result of my unemployment, I decided to actually take time away from work and focus on myself for the first time ever.  I took the entire year off, and I will say, without reservation, that for the FIRST TIME EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, I get enough sleep.  This is no small thing, I am being sincere.  Getting enough sleep on a consistent basis is something that everyone takes for granted, and you seriously don’t know what you’re missing.  This is a good thing.

6.  I finally declared Atheism.  There are those who might think this is sad, but it is not.  I’ve been on the fence for about a decade concerning my stance on religion and God.  I’ve been on one side or the other my entire life and the revelation I received finally, is that only by opening your eyes and your mind will you ever be at peace with your faith.  God is a construct.  It’s a way for people to explain things they can’t understand, and mankind will never reach it’s full potential unless we finally give up on superstition and naiveté and see what is real and true.  If there is such a thing as fate, then let me say that my undefined purpose for moving to Utah was to finally come to grips with faith and religion, and it took moving here and seeing the differences and perversions in what should be constants for me to finally realize it.  It’s all imaginary.  This is my decision, and I have no doubts that it is the correct one.  This is a good thing.

7.  I lost a lot of money this year.  A LOT.  This is because of my decision not to work, and my failures at starting a home-based business.  I went from making roughly $50K per year down to making $0 per year, and my bank accounts suffered for it.  Even so, it’s still only money.  I can always get more.  Sometimes you have to get humble and climb down a few pegs before going back up.  Losing thousands of dollars is a bad thing, but gaining humility and perspective is a good thing.  This one is a wash.

8.  I discovered a passion for photography.  It also appears that I’m fairly good at it, and getting better.  One of the best things about my decision not to work is that I had plenty of free time to discover my passions, and photography was the big one.  It also helps to live where I live.  I like taking pictures, and more than that, I like seeing people’s reactions to my pictures.  This is definitely a good thing about this past year.

9.  Depression kicked my ass this year.  I’ve "suffered" from depression (I hate that term) since I was a teenager, and this past year has been especially difficult.  I’m thankful for some supportive friends that have helped a little, but depression is a personal issue, and despite what you may want to believe, there is no cure.  Not having an income, failing at business opportunities, and failing to see future prospects really wears on the soul.  I’m hoping next year can turn this around, but I’m not betting on it.  We’ll see.  Category:  Bad.

10.  It may seem anti-climatic to end with this one, but it’s a good one.  I found out something about myself this year.  I’m a writer.  Yes, that’s right.  I am damn good at writing.  Of course, there’s always room for improvement, but on the whole, writing, creating, imagining, articulating, and even things like spelling and grammar come incredibly easy to me.  And in truth, they always have.  I know this all sounds like a massive boast, but please forgive me this once.  I found something that I excel at and it makes me feel good.  It’s a single ray of sunshine breaking through the clouds of my psyche, and I intend to exploit it as best I can.  There are exciting things on the horizon in this matter.  I can hardly wait.

Another year down.  2008 was a curious one for me, and overall I can say it was a positive one.  There was good and bad, but there was balance, and that’s one more for the "good" side. 

See you next year.

I’m still plugging along though.  I’m not in dire straights or anything, but money is tighter than I’m used to.  This is likely the reason for my lapse in judgement and common sense in filing for unemployment insurance.

You know those little terriers that perform in fairs and sideshows?  Little circus dogs that jump through hoops like little yapping fools for the entertainment of others?  That’s exactly what filing for unemployment is like.  It’s a humiliating experience so chock-full of red tape and bureaucracy that it makes your head spin like Linda Blair at a baptism.  You’d think that in this day and age, filling out some government forms would be as simple as logging onto some dot-gov  web site and typing in some info.  Well, they make you think it’s that simple, but not long after typing the equivalent text of War and Peace into Utah’s wonderful web site, professing secrets and useless information about myself to government employees, the response of the state is to send you more forms in the mail.  These forms contain the exact same questions that were answered online, only in convenient annoying manual form, destined to be lost somewhere in the back of a mail truck on their way to not being read by anybody.

Then there’s the tease.  According to some random formula, possibly involving horses stomping out numbers, Utah came up with the amount of $430 per week that I would receive, should I qualify of course, of unemployment insurance.  That’s a little exciting.  After all, that’s roughly ten dollars per hour.  I could sit around and collect unemployment whilst continuing my vegetative state.  Putting a damper on that idea though is the fact that you are required to send them proof of at least two job prospects every week, complete with contact names, dates, and outcome of the request.  So much for sitting around.

That’s not such a bad deal though.  The whole point is to get a job, and forcing you to look is a good thing.  I had no problem with it.

Then they sent me a debit card in the mail.  A shiny little card with a MasterCard logo on the front, promising untold riches at the expense of my former employer.  This card is the method of which the state pays the insurance, forcing you to use it whenever you want to pay for something.  I chuckled a little at the little pamphlet that came with the card, detailing the fact that a service charge would be incurred each time I used the card at an ATM.  Government programs are so wonderful!

This whole situation culminated in a phone call from a "helpful" asshole government employee who called to ask why the hell I don’t have a job.  His intent was to ascertain my eligibility for unemployment insurance, asking me the same type of stupid questions that I could swear I already answered in electronic as well as written form at least twice.  Government is nothing if not thorough.  Interestingly, he seemed to have copies of all of the statements from employees and the corporate office of my former employer at his disposal.  These are documents I had no access to myself.  I wasn’t allowed to see them or know their content, but the tool on the phone apparently did.  He even read bits of them to me in a mocking tone, asking me to explain my actions and defend my position on why I got fired.  I told him I’d never seen those documents, and I countered his argument with my own story, which should have been plainly obvious by that point.  He didn’t buy it though.  He told me they’d "have a decision" by the end of the day.  I wasn’t too hopeful.

Yes, Best Buy challenged my claim, and I was denied unemployment insurance by the state of Utah.  No surprise to me at all.  Seems my firing was "justified" by my actions, and Best Buy was "justified" in canning me because I broke a DVD case after ten years of faithful service.  Government protects the big companies, and I don’t get to peck at the little crumbs of help they throw in the dirt.  Seems logical.

Ah well.  Back to the job search.  This whole experience was an exercise in frustration anyway, so I’m glad it’s over.  I wish I’d have know ahead of time though.  Live and learn.

Since they are switching things around, I figured it was time to get my money.  My plan is to go to my bank and have the 401K switched over to an IRA or some other kind of interest-bearing account.  There isn’t too much money there, less than thirty thousand, but it’s a good start.  Since I don’t work for Best Buy anymore, that money isn’t doing me any good just sitting there with no income flowing into it, so today I set about getting access to the account to start the process.  To my amazement and my fury, I can’t get to it.

Best Buy has a benefits website that is a portal to all things money and benefit related.  This website used to be great, because it was a one-stop-shop to all my information.  I say it used to be great, because I used to be an employee.   You see, this website requires an active employee number and password to access.  Two things which I no longer have. 

Unfortunately, the website used within the company is the same website used outside the company.  My 401K information is safely locked away in a website I can no longer access. 

At the bottom of the log in page, there is a little section that says "for former Best Buy employees."  OK, I’ll just click that and all will be right with the world.  WRONG!  Guess what that link does?  It takes you to a LOG IN PAGE THAT REQUIRES AN EMPLOYEE NUMBER AND PASSWORD!  AHHHRGH!  You can even see for yourself.  Go to http://www.mybbyrewards.com and scroll to the bottom, where it says "If you are a former Best Buy employee."  Click it and tell me if that’s not the most asinine thing you’ve ever seen?

Luckily, the wonderful color brochure I received also includes a  number for helpful customer assistance via telephone.  I cheerfully dialed this number, making my way through various unrelated menus and attempting to follow the instructions of someone speaking a completely unintelligible Indian accent, when I finally came upon a menu containing the information I need.  I pressed the number, and waited for the computer voice to give me further instructions.  Much to my chagrin, but not my surprise, accessing my information via telephone requires an ACTIVE EMPLOYEE NUMBER AND PASSWORD.

I’m thinking there must be some sort of legal recourse here.  They can’t just hold my account hostage like this simply because I’m no longer employed there.  I want my money.  Furthermore, I’d like a level of service that isn’t completely idiotic and impossible.  Is that so much to ask?

I’m off to try and find an actual human being to scream at now.  They better not even ask for an employee number.

I started using Quicken about 2001 or so to track all my money. After a false start or two, I got the hang of the program and stared using it daily. Since April 12, 2002, I have an unbroken record of every penny I’ve earned and spent. This friends, is an eye-opener to be sure. Quicken can drill down any category, provided you label them properly, and give you a real sense of what happens to your money. Here’s a couple of highlights from my life:

Since 2002, I have:

Spent $5,955.16 on gasoline for my car. I’m looking back at the entries and laughing a bit at the $20 fill-ups from six years ago. Boy, those days are gone.

Spent $1,041.33 on clothing. This includes shoes. Even being a guy, that’s still pretty low. Guess I’m not much of a clothes-horse, especially considering my idea of dressing up is a clean pair of jeans and a t-shirt without obscenities.

Spent $6,242.34 eating out. This is every trip to Burger King, lunches with co-workers, and dates, or basically any time I’ve eaten at a restaurant of any kind. I can’t decide if this is a lot or not.

Spent $11,208.10 on groceries. Oh shit! No wonder my ass is fat now. That’s far too much for a single guy who lives alone. Eleven grand in six years? You gotta be kidding me. When you add this to the six grand spent eating out, that’s over seventeen thousand dollars just in stuffing my face. Yikes! Being a warm-blooded mammal suddenly doesn’t seem so financially beneficial.

Spent $41,742.30 on rent. This is the single-biggest money drainer of all, and if I could figure out a way to eliminate this, or at least trim it, I’d probably be rich. This works out to an average of about seven grand a year. The problem with renting is that in the end, I have nothing to show for it. Seven grand a year down the drain.

Here’s a fun one: In six years, I’ve spent a total of $1,600.30 for my cell phone. This works out to an average of $267.72 per year, or $22 per month. Beat that!

I guess overall, I’m still in pretty good shape. I’ve made far more money than I’ve spent in the last six years, so I’ve been lucky. Still, this is a real shot in the arm in some respects. How do I trim expenses? How can I stop eating so much? Why can’t I buy new clothes?

Anyone else have some revelations or tips they’d like to share? What are your big money drainers?

How’s it going? Actually, I already know, but it’s polite to ask. I’m writing you from the future to let you in on a few things.

You’re probably asking, how do you know I’m you for sure? Well, remember that magazine we had hidden in a gopher hole in the woods across the road from the house? Right by the tree we fell out of? Yeah… now you know I’m telling the truth. No one else in the whole world knows about that.

I’m writing you to tell you that next week, on the 25th to be exact, we will be starting our 36th trip around the sun. That’s right, thirty-six years. I’m writing you now because you are about to turn 18, which is a milestone in itself. I know you just graduated from high school, and what you really want to do is take some time off from academics and just get a job for the summer, so enlighten me for a moment. And eighteen years… they came up on you fast, didn’t they? Believe me, the next eighteen years are gonna fly by even faster. I should know.

So let’s see. What’s going on in the world in your time? If I remember correctly, a president named Bush engaged the American people in a war with a country called Iraq. There was lots of bickering about oil, and gas prices were soaring out of control. Well, rest assured that in the future, everything is quite diff…

Er…

Ent…

Ah, forget that. I don’t want to bore you with politics. You’ll find out anyway. What I want to do is let you in on a few things so as to be prepared for what’s to come. You see, we’ve made one or two mistakes in the past 18 years, and as a bigger and wiser version of you, I’m giving you the responsibility of fixing them. This letter is bound to be extremely long, but bear with me — there’s a lot of stuff to cover. Oh, there is one thing that I want you to remember though, if you take nothing else out of this. A word: GOOGLE. Remember that word.

First, keep going with the workouts. I know you’ve put almost thirty pounds on your scrawny ass in just the last year alone. That ought to tell you how skinny and under-trained you were to begin with. And you wonder why kids picked on you all throughout school? Well, let me tell you, that body you’re building now will become a fine machine. You’ll add another forty pounds on top of what you’ve already done, all pure muscle. At one point, in your mid-twenties, you’ll look so good that you’ll consider entering a contest! Sadly, you wussed out, but the body and the knowledge used to gain it will benefit you for the rest of your life. You won’t ever be picked on again, and one day a group of guys will put that to a test…

Please though… for the love of God; don’t let it start sliding downhill around age 30 or so. This excess flab and this beer gut I have to carry around are both embarrassing and annoying. If you could help me out with that, I’d be most appreciative.

Don’t worry too much about money, although think about it a lot. That frugal attitude you inherited will serve you quite well. (It will be even better if you remember that word I told you: GOOGLE. Don’t forget.) Anyway, the new job at McDonald’s that you’re about to start isn’t too bad. You’ll become the fastest-promoted worker in that stores history, and be a manager by next year. Even better, you’ll meet some people who will become life-long friends. You’ll also meet a few girls along the way. Just to help: Marla=yes, Rhonda=yes, Dalene=no (dude… she’s 15 you perv) Melanie=yes, and Flavia=hell no. There were several more but I forget their names. You’ll figure it out I’m sure. Oh, there is one other: I know Starla is only 14 in your current “when”, but you’ll run into her again in a few more years. You’ll screw it up too, jerk. She’s way flighty anyway, so don’t beat yourself up about it. Blame her if it helps, and rest assured we threw all the crap she left in out apartment in the dumpster. Back to money though, don’t stress. We’re doing fine, (although GOOGLE would help tremendously). You’re a smart guy with money, and all that debt you’re starting to accumulate? It gets worse, but relax. You are debt free by age 30. Look how smart you are! Er… will be! Have a beer to celebrate.

Wait, you’re 18. Wait a couple years, and then have a beer to celebrate. Oh, and let me tell you about the drinking while we’re on the subject. Enjoy it. I know that’s not the typical response you’d expect to hear from an adult, but I’m you and I’m telling you to enjoy it. There’s nothing wrong with it. Have fun. I can say this, because I know the outcome. Sure, we screwed up a few times, and we’re not a good drunk, but in your 20′s you come to a crossroads about drinking, and you’ll make the right choice. We’ve been sober for maybe nine or ten years now, and we’re proud of that fact. We can even still go out and have a couple of beers or drinks too, but we control it now. We’ve mastered it. So have fun, and drink up.

Now about computers. I know they’re just a curiosity or a novelty in your current time, but it’s best if you get a head start on them. I can tell you, I’m writing this letter to you right now on a computer that we personally built with our own two hands. It’s actually one of a long line of computers we’ve built over the years. Each one better than the one before it. Get going on that knowledge now, and it will make things better for both of us. We’re a smart guy, and although we can’t do Algebra for shit, we can add two and two. Just remember computers + GOOGLE + a little bit of money = happy future. Trust me. I expect good things when I wake up tomorrow in my mansion surrounded by supermodels because you read this letter. Unfortunately, science tells me that telling you too much about the future mucks up the space-time-continuum-whatsit-thing, but it doesn’t say I can’t drop hints. Think hard about it, then do the right thing.

Here’s something interesting. A couple of years ago we moved to Utah. I know, right? Even better, in my past (your future) we had a job where we got to travel all around the country seeing new things and places and meeting cool people. We’ve been to New York, LA, Boston, Dallas, San Diego, Oklahoma City, Chicago, Denver, Seattle, St. Louis, Houston, Baltimore; hell… we’ve been to every major city in the lower 48. Some of them several times. (Even Hell itself, which is known as Stockton California in your time… you’ll see) You know how we always wanted to see what’s “out there”? Well, we did… and most of it was pretty cool. Anyway, that job led us to an opportunity here in Utah, and we took it. We’ve made some friends and seen some cool things. Luckily, one of our best friends lives here. She’s about seven years old to you, but don’t be creeped out by that… she grows up to be one of the smartest people you’ve ever met, and just has this personality that “clicks” with you somehow. She’s going to go be a lawyer next year, and although we know she’ll be successful and we’re happy, we’ll miss her terribly when she’s gone. Anyway we like Utah, although be prepared for a MASSIVE culture shock. Seems people out here have a take on religion that’s difficult to understand and really weird. It’s hard to explain, so I can’t tell you. You’ll have to find out for yourself. However, know that one person you’ll meet of that persuasion is incredible and kind, and another one of your best friends. She’s one of those rare people that are beautiful both on the inside and the outside, and you get the privilege of becoming very close to her. I can’t wait for you to meet her, which, incidentally, is actually a couple of years before you move here. You’ll see what I mean.

That reminds me. Treat your friends better. I’m getting ahead of you a little bit, but there are some people you’ll meet in the next few years who will become closer to you than anyone has in the past. Two in particular. One of them is quite literally the most creative and witty person in the world, and the other is so kind and sincere and incredible. She also has the cutest, most sheepish smile ever. These two people will be with you throughout some of the worst times of your life, yet even now, eighteen years separate from you, we still call them friends. Ok, so they’re both 2,000 miles away, but remember computers? (GOOGLE) Computers will revolutionize communication and you will be able to see and interact with these friends even though they’re far away. Treat them well, ok? Tell them what they mean to you (a lot) and support them. One in fact, will have his own trying times and you need to support him when he does. Even though you can’t be there physically, he needs support and needs to know you understand a decision he’s going to make about his own life. I know her now by a different name than you will at first, but somehow, it just works better. It seems right. Tell him that when the time comes. Respect all of your friends, old and new. Be a better person to them than I was.

Treat yourself better too. Stop being shy and reclusive. Do you know I spend far too many weekends alone in my apartment? I blame you. You’ve got the whole world in front of you. You have the beginnings of a great body; you have a sharp mind, good friends… Stop being bashful. Get out there and meet people. Oh… I know you’ll meet some people, but don’t be such a jerk to them. Try to be nicer, and please don’t be so depressed all the time.

Oh, and on that note, while I’m at it, there will be an incident in a few years where depression will get the best of you. It will involve an X-acto knife, blood, some scars (which I still have to carry, you bastard), and the authorities. I’ll just go ahead and ruin the ending for you: You survive it. Now, wouldn’t it be better if you just didn’t even try? Far be it for me to dictate to…er, me — but that might have been an experience I could’ve done without. Or maybe not.

In getting older we’ve gotten slightly better looking. (Thanks for finally cutting off that mullet, by the way) The weight we managed to put on has rounded out our face more and given us a more mature appearance. Don’t worry about looking old though. Remember, we have Dad’s genetics. I may be 36 soon, but I don’t look it. Most people guess my age at around 30. If Dad is any indication, we’ll continue to look exactly like this until we’re about 50, when we may get some gray hair. Maybe. Probably not though. Dad is 64 and finally turned gray in the last few years. No, age doesn’t affect us physically like it does mortal people.

Being a vampire isn’t all good though. Protect your skin. Remember, we have pasty white skin void of all pigmentation. We don’t tan. (There is one exception the year you’re 22. We get a good tan that year, but at the cost of lots of burning beforehand.) Use lots of sunblock and don’t go on the beach in daylight. I have a few suspicious places on my skin that I should have checked out because of your recklessness. Just be careful.

We finally got that tattoo we always wanted in 2006. Check it out! We drew it ourselves, and it’s line-for-line exactly what we wanted. I’m only sorry that we waited that long for it, but a tattoo is something you can’t rush. You’ll just know when the time is right.

Oh, and in that same year you’re 22 and get that tan? There’s a girl. A cute girl. She’s even into you, you drunkard. Do not kick the poor thing in the head. Twice. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

What else? There’s just so much. So many things you can fix for me. I know I said to enjoy the drinking, but 1994 is a serious blur. You know how when you take a picture in a dark room with a flash, everything is pitch black, and suddenly there’s this bright flash of light where everything is clear, but only for an instant? Once that instant is over, there’s this fuzzy remnant of what was in the room, but it’s pitch black again and you can’t really picture it? That’s what 1994 is to me. Flashes of lucidity followed by complete darkness. If you could maybe just cut down just a little, it would be helpful.

Here’s a big one. You’re a musician. I remember. You got into (or will get into) every single college you apply to based almost exclusively on the fact that you play viola, and there aren’t many people who do. All of those colleges, yet you bail out and don’t attend any. Now, I’m not going to tell you what to do here, but I will let you know that decision is making it extremely hard to get a job here in 2008. There are some skills that we maybe could have acquired that would be coming in very handy for me right now. I remember that we do attend college at one point, but out heart wasn’t in it. We were too immature to take it seriously. I’m regretting that now, and I’m expecting you to do something about it. Go to college, and finish it this time. Get a degree… in anything. Whatever, just do it. Don’t let me down again. We’re too old to go back in my time, but you can do it back then.

Buy that damn Mazda 6 instead of the Taurus. It’s just a cooler car.

When it comes time to toss the DVD case that gets you fired from your job at Best Buy, fire that thing hard. Take out ten years of aggression on it and don’t hold back. It’s not going to matter what you do anyway, because they’re going to fire you no matter what you say. You don’t get a jury, a judge, or a trial. All you get for a decade of faithful service is an execution, so make it worth it. Fire it hard and shatter that bitch to Kingdom Come. It will be worth it.

There’s a cop sitting by a parking lot on West Broad Street in Columbus, Ohio in the year 2001 — at about 5PM — near the traffic light, just itching to catch somebody. Tip: Get your license tags renewed before they expire, dumbass.

Speaking of 2001, you’ll be in New York City in 2000. You’ll walk right by the World Trade Center and not even look up. Do me a favor, and check the buildings out real quick. They were pretty cool.

You know that cartoon from the Tracy Ullman show? The Simpsons? It’s still on. No, not re-runs. New episodes. Shouldn’t Bart be something like 29 years old in my now?

No, I don’t have a flying car. I know they promised us that stuff back in the 70s, and by the 21st century we should have had them, but they lied. The 21st century feels just like the 20th century, except there’s no more Russians and everything costs three times as much. And a guy named Barry Bonds broke all the home run records. And we’re about to either have a woman or a black guy for President.

Mia was cool, but a little scatterbrained. She’ll like you, no doubt, but be careful. I know what happened. And don’t believe Dave when he says her newborn twins have red hair. I’m sure it’s a lie.

Ask that radio DJ out. So what if she likes blond surfer guys? She lives in Ohio. She’s cute, and very friendly. Take a chance. I was always curious about that one.

Around ’99 I think, you’ll get the opportunity to play softball representing Best Buy with a few members of the Cincinnati Reds against other retailers. Whatever you do, don’t let them make you pitch. You suck at pitching in softball. Luckily, you are Casey at the Bat, going four-for-four with two doubles and batting in six runs, but you lose the game on the defensive side because of your poor pitching. Your batting skills are the only reason that dick Aaron Boone kept you in the game, even after you give up like four home runs and ask to be benched. (Don’t worry too much about Boone though. In 2004 he’ll be playing third base for the Yankees, but tear a knee during a basketball game in violation of his contract and get cut. He’ll be replaced by a guy named Alex Rodriguez.)

There were a few fun things like that. Even though we lost, it was a good game and a great time. We made some friends that day. (Wait ’till you meet Angela… whoa!)

Oh man… there’s just so much to say. I’m serious dude; you could help me out so much by reading this letter and straightening some things out. Our life could be so much different and so much better if you listen to me. You could change everything.

Yeah. You could change… everything.

You… could…

You could change…

Everything?

Hey, you know what? I’ve been reading back over this letter and I think maybe I might have changed my mind. You know, people are the sum of their experiences. You and I have gone through a lot in the last 18 years. I could never even begin to put them all in a letter. Do you think that maybe we’re better for it? I mean, yeah… we made some mistakes. But mistakes are lessons disguised as pain or embarrassment. Once you figure that out, then you can learn the lesson. Maybe all those mistakes happened for a reason, and maybe I’m able to write this now because I know what I know from experience. And I sure don’t want you to screw up the good things by accident. What if something happened and I never got to travel the country? I would have never met Erin! I’d have likely never moved to Utah and made these wonderful friends! I’m scared to think what might have happened.

So I’m thinking you should just tear this letter up. Don’t even bother with it. Go ahead and live our life just as things come, and don’t worry too much about the future. Trust me, it turns out ok. Just forget everything I’ve said.

AAHHHHHHH! NO WAIT!

GOOGLE

(Remember that part.)

So have a good 18^th birthday, Me from 1990.

I’ll see you in a few.